The Cup Of T

Category: Relationships

  • The Truth About Becoming A Mom

    The Truth About Becoming A Mom

    Twins. We were expecting twins. Oh my, what an overwhelming feeling of joy. I remember being so over the moon I couldn’t stop smiling for days. Our dream was coming true, and instead of one baby, we were having two. And so the journey began towards becoming a mom. 

    Being an overthinker, perfectionist, and total control freak, I did a lot of reading, learning, planning, and preparing. But as it turns out, nobody can truly be ready for motherhood. You can read all you want, take online courses, and workshops, or talk to friends who have children. The truth is, the only person who will teach you how to be a mother is your child. 

    The Story

    My pregnancy was smooth and healthy, but delivery and postpartum were hard. Having twins was the most divine blessing, and yet the hardest journey of my life. I always knew motherhood was underrated, but not as much. I started to admire my mom even more than I ever did. I saw her differently. She was this superhero who was never under the spotlight. How could I make her feel more appreciated? Loved? Adored? Idolized? How can I ever be thankful enough? At this point, I could do anything to make her happy. 

    And yet, I was still the one who needed her. I was in pain, exhausted, worried, sleepless, and I needed her support, her strength, her wisdom, her love, and her light. And so she carried me, again, as she always did. She shared my sleepless nights, my worries, and my rock-bottom moments. How can someone be so strong? How does she do it? Well, it’s because she’s my mama. I found the answer in my daughters. I’m simply their mama, and that’s enough for my body and mind to be constantly entirely present for them. 

    Nevertheless, there is a price that comes with that strength. There are things a mother goes through that are rarely discussed and that nobody prepares you for. It’s not all happy Instagram moments, fit mamas who look like they’re getting full nights of sleep, and who apparently have time to put on makeup every morning. We are so bullied by an online illusion of motherhood, that when we start to struggle, we think we’re definitely doing something wrong.

    You feel disappointed in yourself. I personally felt horrible for needing help, up until I discussed with a friend her similar struggle, and there I was, listening to my own thoughts through someone else’s words. That felt reassuring. It meant the rollercoaster of emotions I was experiencing was valid, and I wasn’t so bad a mom after all. Whether you relate to what I’m saying or are curious to know more, I hope that by the end of this post, you feel understood.  

    The Rollercoaster

    You think you’re failing 

    Why can’t I feel in control? I thought I was ready for this. I got them everything they need, so why on earth is it so challenging? Why are they crying so much? Why aren’t they sleeping well? Why aren’t they eating well? How on earth did they catch this virus? Why did they get this rash? I thought I was being careful!

    You think you’re doing something wrong, but in fact, it’s just how babies are, especially during the first few months. Crying is how they communicate their needs, and they’re going to get that flu whether we like it or not. I remember crying the first time I saw my tiny babies wheezing and struggling to breathe. What I’m trying to say is: You are not failing. You’re actually doing an amazing job tending to those needs every hour of the day. You are there for them, and that’s what matters. 

    Are you doing things right?

    Methods, sleep consultants, baby diets, etc. Everywhere you look or don’t even mean to look, you’re bombarded with information, do’s, don’ts, and “correct” ways of caring for your babies. Sleep training, crying it out, soothing them to sleep, or holding them to sleep? What about solids? Do I go for a traditional introduction to solids through purees, or adopt the new baby-lead weaning method? Maybe it’s best I take that paid online course so that I don’t mess things up. And of course, let’s not forget some online mom influencers who share with the world their easy flawless pregnancy-through-delivery journeys and their expertise in perfectly taking care of babies.

    I felt tired from all that noise, which made me shut off completely any input I was receiving. I turned to my babies, listened to what they wanted, and took things step by step, giving them time to accept changes, while I discovered their likes and dislikes. I learned that there are no rights or wrongs. I mean unless you’re putting your child in danger or mistreating them, which you’re not, right? Cool.   

    Your body betrays you

    After nine months of pregnancy and then going through delivery, your body needs a break. The thing is, there’s no time for a break. The post-delivery phase is actually experienced differently among women. Some may feel good, some struggle a bit, and some others are in for a rollercoaster ride. Yeah, I was part of group number 3. 

    There was this feeling of nothingness when it comes to me, and a feeling of wholeness when it comes to them. It’s like you feel totally stripped of everything and can’t find it in you to look after yourself. You are too concerned about their needs, their moods, and their feelings. Even when they’re totally fine, you want to be there for them, which makes you less there for yourself. And regardless of how much everyone keeps telling you to take care of yourself, it seems like the most impossible thing in the world right now. “It’s not the time, I’ll do that later”, I’ll take my vitamins in a bit”, I’ll have lunch later on, or I’ll take a shower when everyone’s asleep”. And then when everyone’s asleep, you pass out on the couch. 

    You’re moody & emotional

    Blame it on the hormones. Right? But is it just that? They’re major contributors to your sharp mood swings, but so are many other reasons. Hello? Sleep deprivation? I never imagined sleep deprivation could affect people so much. Lack of sleep actually causes moodiness, clumsiness, forgetfulness, demotivation, lack of ability to focus, and decreased mental stability. What I felt was beyond “tired”. I far exceeded my limit of physical endurance and there were no words to explain what I was actually experiencing. It was a mix of pain, heaviness, and weakness. 

    I was distraught because I felt like I lost all control over my life and didn’t know how I was ever going to get it back. I used to cry and couldn’t explain why. As it turned out, this was a direct consequence of my lack of sleep. It did cross my mind, but I felt bad because after all, intense sleep deprivation is something that all new parents deal with. So I became hard on myself, pushing myself beyond my emotional and physical abilities in order to get a grip, be in control, and manage the situation. However, I was losing myself in the process and no longer recognized myself. 

    You don’t recognize yourself 

    Most mornings, I felt exhausted and thought to myself: I can’t go through the day. I just can’t. But I did, and in the evening I used to look at them sleeping and think: I did it. I felt proud of myself and this encouraged me to try to find my sense of normality again. So I started saying yes to outings and went back to work, only to realize it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t the same. And this new version of me wasn’t ready. I didn’t recognize myself physically because I had lost so much weight (yes, this exists), that I wasn’t comfortable dressing up anymore. Mom jeans to the rescue, sweatpants, and big sweatshirts, which basically meant I wanted to stay home. 

    Even emotionally, I was irritated, edgy, and felt down most of the time. I didn’t recognize myself but was trying to find my peace. The worst part is when some people don’t understand what you’re going through so you feel like you always need to explain yourself. I hate to break this to you, but you will be judged for the person you become at your lowest. With time you learn to disregard comments, avoid some interactions, and dismiss any thoughts that cost you your peace. 

    Conclusion

    I feel you mamas, and I hope you are all experiencing the best of motherhood. But whenever you feel lonely, remember you are your baby’s whole world. How amazing it is to have someone love you this much. Notice the sparkle in their eyes when they look at you, their laughter when you play with them, their calmness when you hold them, and their smile when you cuddle. This is what keeps me going. Their happiness, well-being, and love are my motivation, my strength, and my whole life. 

    What I’m trying to say is that if you feel it’s hard, it’s because it is hard. It’s not because you are failing. Mothers, expecting mothers, and women trying to conceive should know that what our bodies and minds go through is extraordinary. So take all the help you can get, acknowledge your feelings, and give yourself the time you need to get back on track, however long that is. Be proud of yourself, and know that you are never alone. There are always women and mamas out there feeling lonely, judged, questioning themselves, doubting their judgments, and feeling like they can’t do this. Reach out, talk to someone you trust, and if you’re not well-surrounded, search for mama communities online that would hear you out and support you. Who thought I would be part of a “moms of twins and multiples” group? Today, I proudly wear that badge.

    Happy Mother’s Day to all you super mamas out there. 

  • Planning On Getting Married? 8 Things To Expect

    Planning On Getting Married? 8 Things To Expect

    Are you planning your wedding? Or have you just gotten married? Then I feel like sharing with you some of the things you might experience in your first year of marriage. I’ve written this right after our 1st anniversary and feel like sharing it today because as much as you think you know, there are things you learn first hand. One would think how hard could it be right? It’s not hard, it’s just different. While I was still savoring the post-wedding hype, the honeymoon, and the adrenaline rush of a new adventure with my partner in crime, I found myself facing a new reality. It’s a beautiful reality, but one that requires you to adapt. Here are 8 things to expect:

    1. A Rollercoaster Of Emotions

    You might feel super emotional during the first period. There are days when you’ll feel super excited, especially that you’ll be busy preparing the home you imagined. You will also be adapting to a new routine which will definitely take your mind off everything else. On other days, you will miss your old house, your old routine, and your family if they live far. On those days, hang in there. You will soon find your balance.

    2. Rough Return to Reality

    The wedding hype makes it hard to detach yourself from the wedding phase. You will not get enough of going through your wedding and honeymoon pictures, clinging to those happy times that you do not want to let go of. I must say considering a wedding to be the most beautiful day of one’s life is overrated. This is the reason why people stress so much about it and also have a hard time moving past it. Unintentionally, you will feel that the best time of your life is over. The truth is: Every milestone in life is a happy one because each brings with it new elements. A wedding is simply the launch of a new milestone. You will eventually let go when you accept that other adventures lie ahead!

    3. You Will Get Used to Discussing Your Finances

    Getting used to having common finances and possessions is new. It’s during your first year of marriage that you will start making significant purchases as a couple. This means finding common ground between your respective likes, dislikes, and different perspectives. For example, if one partner already has a place, it may be hard for the other to consider this house/apartment their own until they purchase new additions to it. This way, they feel they have contributed to this now common property. This is an important bond you’re creating. Buying a living room, a dining table or other items you will both use gives you the opportunity to take into consideration each other’s taste, enhances your ability to find common ground, and learn to compromise.

    4. You Will Fight, And Will Learn How to Avoid it.

    Each of you is used to a certain lifestyle with habits that you find nothing wrong with. Whether it’s the habit of telling your friends and family everything, having them drop by unannounced, rsvp-ing to a gathering without talking to your partner, spending more time with your loved ones than theirs, and other examples. Most people will avoid discussing those issues, considering it’s no big deal. However, bottled-up feelings eventually explode into a fight. Remember you both form a team, so both opinions count. Also, I cannot stress this enough: Sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other helps you understand each other better and act accordingly. This will avoid misunderstandings and facilitate decision-making!

    5. You’ll Realize It’s Never 50/50

    We all think the perfect scenario calls for the division of tasks. But will it always be so? No, and it’s okay! There are days when either of you have had a super long day, don’t feel well, or are simply busy. The other will have to carry out what needs to be done out of sharing responsibility. Keeping track of who did what is like building up the next argument. Be more concerned with what you give rather than what you’re getting out of it. The best approach is to keep it simple and outgoing, meaning whoever of you is free to check a task off the list, do it. You will both appreciate each other’s efforts and this will create balance and harmony within your household.

    6. You Learn

    The first years of marriage teach you things you had no experience with and will make you grow on a personal level. I learned to express my feelings more, became obsessed with organizing, became more knowledgeable regarding healthy habits (it’s now my thing), and learned to kill insects (because I just can’t ask my husband every time). You also learn new skills because hey, you have to know it all. You also learn through the experiences, the hardships, the good times, the losses, and the challenges. But above all, marriage reveals a new side of love. It teaches you that in order to love your partner, you should first love who you are and always yearn to become a better version of yourself. I believe one should always work on improving him/herself for their own sake. As a matter of fact, you will know they’re the “one” if they push you forward no matter what.

    7. You’ll Appreciate Relationships in Your Life

    YOU WILL APPRECIATE YOUR PARENTS MORE. Some days I think: How on earth did they do that?! They make everything look so easy! I respect them so much for that, and for the sense of safety and carefreeness they gave us. Until you become independent, you will not truly understand what they went through. You will also appreciate your friends more. Life gets busy and you will live farther apart. Make the time to see them, go out, check on them, be there no matter the circumstances. Your friends eventually become your spouse’s friends too. But remember, your friends need your undivided attention sometimes and you need your quality time with them so don’t compromise this.

    8. A New Meaning For Happiness

    I will always feel happy partying, traveling, going out, achieving something, etc. and promised myself I will not allow myself nor my partner to lose the fun side of our relationship. I honestly believe it’s up to you to decide what changes and to what extent. Things change because there are suddenly new responsibilities to tend to. I mean, believe me, there are days when you just want to crash on the sofa and stare at the wall. But despite that, you will find new sources of happiness you may not have considered before. Afternoon coffee on the balcony, caring for your plants, cooking together, family gatherings, date nights, and the list goes on. Bottom line, your perspectives change, but it can still be exciting.

    Enjoy and embrace your first years of marriage with their ups and downs. The worst that could happen will be an opportunity to learn and do better. There is no right or wrong. You both put the boundaries, goals, and plans together. As long as you love and value each other, respect each other’s opinions, personal space, families, relationships, and each other, you’re going to be more than just fine.

    Take the leap!

    xoxo