The Truth About Becoming A Mom

Twins. We were expecting twins. Oh my, what an overwhelming feeling of joy. I remember being so over the moon I couldn’t stop smiling for days. Our dream was coming true, and instead of one baby, we were having two. And so the journey began towards becoming a mom. 

Being an overthinker, perfectionist, and total control freak, I did a lot of reading, learning, planning, and preparing. But as it turns out, nobody can truly be ready for motherhood. You can read all you want, take online courses, and workshops, or talk to friends who have children. The truth is, the only person who will teach you how to be a mother is your child. 

The Story

My pregnancy was smooth and healthy, but delivery and postpartum were hard. Having twins was the most divine blessing, and yet the hardest journey of my life. I always knew motherhood was underrated, but not as much. I started to admire my mom even more than I ever did. I saw her differently. She was this superhero who was never under the spotlight. How could I make her feel more appreciated? Loved? Adored? Idolized? How can I ever be thankful enough? At this point, I could do anything to make her happy. 

And yet, I was still the one who needed her. I was in pain, exhausted, worried, sleepless, and I needed her support, her strength, her wisdom, her love, and her light. And so she carried me, again, as she always did. She shared my sleepless nights, my worries, and my rock-bottom moments. How can someone be so strong? How does she do it? Well, it’s because she’s my mama. I found the answer in my daughters. I’m simply their mama, and that’s enough for my body and mind to be constantly entirely present for them. 

Nevertheless, there is a price that comes with that strength. There are things a mother goes through that are rarely discussed and that nobody prepares you for. It’s not all happy Instagram moments, fit mamas who look like they’re getting full nights of sleep, and who apparently have time to put on makeup every morning. We are so bullied by an online illusion of motherhood, that when we start to struggle, we think we’re definitely doing something wrong.

You feel disappointed in yourself. I personally felt horrible for needing help, up until I discussed with a friend her similar struggle, and there I was, listening to my own thoughts through someone else’s words. That felt reassuring. It meant the rollercoaster of emotions I was experiencing was valid, and I wasn’t so bad a mom after all. Whether you relate to what I’m saying or are curious to know more, I hope that by the end of this post, you feel understood.  

The Rollercoaster

You think you’re failing 

Why can’t I feel in control? I thought I was ready for this. I got them everything they need, so why on earth is it so challenging? Why are they crying so much? Why aren’t they sleeping well? Why aren’t they eating well? How on earth did they catch this virus? Why did they get this rash? I thought I was being careful!

You think you’re doing something wrong, but in fact, it’s just how babies are, especially during the first few months. Crying is how they communicate their needs, and they’re going to get that flu whether we like it or not. I remember crying the first time I saw my tiny babies wheezing and struggling to breathe. What I’m trying to say is: You are not failing. You’re actually doing an amazing job tending to those needs every hour of the day. You are there for them, and that’s what matters. 

Are you doing things right?

Methods, sleep consultants, baby diets, etc. Everywhere you look or don’t even mean to look, you’re bombarded with information, do’s, don’ts, and “correct” ways of caring for your babies. Sleep training, crying it out, soothing them to sleep, or holding them to sleep? What about solids? Do I go for a traditional introduction to solids through purees, or adopt the new baby-lead weaning method? Maybe it’s best I take that paid online course so that I don’t mess things up. And of course, let’s not forget some online mom influencers who share with the world their easy flawless pregnancy-through-delivery journeys and their expertise in perfectly taking care of babies.

I felt tired from all that noise, which made me shut off completely any input I was receiving. I turned to my babies, listened to what they wanted, and took things step by step, giving them time to accept changes, while I discovered their likes and dislikes. I learned that there are no rights or wrongs. I mean unless you’re putting your child in danger or mistreating them, which you’re not, right? Cool.   

Your body betrays you

After nine months of pregnancy and then going through delivery, your body needs a break. The thing is, there’s no time for a break. The post-delivery phase is actually experienced differently among women. Some may feel good, some struggle a bit, and some others are in for a rollercoaster ride. Yeah, I was part of group number 3. 

There was this feeling of nothingness when it comes to me, and a feeling of wholeness when it comes to them. It’s like you feel totally stripped of everything and can’t find it in you to look after yourself. You are too concerned about their needs, their moods, and their feelings. Even when they’re totally fine, you want to be there for them, which makes you less there for yourself. And regardless of how much everyone keeps telling you to take care of yourself, it seems like the most impossible thing in the world right now. “It’s not the time, I’ll do that later”, I’ll take my vitamins in a bit”, I’ll have lunch later on, or I’ll take a shower when everyone’s asleep”. And then when everyone’s asleep, you pass out on the couch. 

You’re moody & emotional

Blame it on the hormones. Right? But is it just that? They’re major contributors to your sharp mood swings, but so are many other reasons. Hello? Sleep deprivation? I never imagined sleep deprivation could affect people so much. Lack of sleep actually causes moodiness, clumsiness, forgetfulness, demotivation, lack of ability to focus, and decreased mental stability. What I felt was beyond “tired”. I far exceeded my limit of physical endurance and there were no words to explain what I was actually experiencing. It was a mix of pain, heaviness, and weakness. 

I was distraught because I felt like I lost all control over my life and didn’t know how I was ever going to get it back. I used to cry and couldn’t explain why. As it turned out, this was a direct consequence of my lack of sleep. It did cross my mind, but I felt bad because after all, intense sleep deprivation is something that all new parents deal with. So I became hard on myself, pushing myself beyond my emotional and physical abilities in order to get a grip, be in control, and manage the situation. However, I was losing myself in the process and no longer recognized myself. 

You don’t recognize yourself 

Most mornings, I felt exhausted and thought to myself: I can’t go through the day. I just can’t. But I did, and in the evening I used to look at them sleeping and think: I did it. I felt proud of myself and this encouraged me to try to find my sense of normality again. So I started saying yes to outings and went back to work, only to realize it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t the same. And this new version of me wasn’t ready. I didn’t recognize myself physically because I had lost so much weight (yes, this exists), that I wasn’t comfortable dressing up anymore. Mom jeans to the rescue, sweatpants, and big sweatshirts, which basically meant I wanted to stay home. 

Even emotionally, I was irritated, edgy, and felt down most of the time. I didn’t recognize myself but was trying to find my peace. The worst part is when some people don’t understand what you’re going through so you feel like you always need to explain yourself. I hate to break this to you, but you will be judged for the person you become at your lowest. With time you learn to disregard comments, avoid some interactions, and dismiss any thoughts that cost you your peace. 

Conclusion

I feel you mamas, and I hope you are all experiencing the best of motherhood. But whenever you feel lonely, remember you are your baby’s whole world. How amazing it is to have someone love you this much. Notice the sparkle in their eyes when they look at you, their laughter when you play with them, their calmness when you hold them, and their smile when you cuddle. This is what keeps me going. Their happiness, well-being, and love are my motivation, my strength, and my whole life. 

What I’m trying to say is that if you feel it’s hard, it’s because it is hard. It’s not because you are failing. Mothers, expecting mothers, and women trying to conceive should know that what our bodies and minds go through is extraordinary. So take all the help you can get, acknowledge your feelings, and give yourself the time you need to get back on track, however long that is. Be proud of yourself, and know that you are never alone. There are always women and mamas out there feeling lonely, judged, questioning themselves, doubting their judgments, and feeling like they can’t do this. Reach out, talk to someone you trust, and if you’re not well-surrounded, search for mama communities online that would hear you out and support you. Who thought I would be part of a “moms of twins and multiples” group? Today, I proudly wear that badge.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you super mamas out there.